I think you tried to phone me today, I hadn't really gotten out of bed then and I wasn't ready to talk just yet. As you guessed I am upset. you tell me last Tuesday that you're not going to come over on Thursday, and then on Wednesday that you're not going to come over next week either. Your reasons for the first week is that you have to do housework and that you spent four days at my place. I am so sorry by the way that spending four days at my place was such a burden to you. Do you know what I would give to be able to spend four days at your place? But that was fine actually. But then your reason for not coming over the second week is because you have two parties to go to. So they're clearly OK to prioritise over housework then. Did you not think I would be offended that not only do you not consider inviting me to either of them, but that the fact that because of them you automatically decided you wouldn't see me mid week? So its OK to not see me mid week then? Well why stop there, why should two weeks be an issue? Why don't we just see each other once a month and just check in on each other by e-mail? If you can go and socialise on your own why can't I? If you can prioritise housework over coming to see me why can't I? I didn't think I'd have to discuss it with you as you didn't think it was necessary to discuss not seeing me next week with me either. As you rightly stated, as you come see me mid week I should come over to your place 2 weekends for your every 1. But I think if you don't come and see me for 2 mid weeks does it work in reverse where I have one weekend on my own? I'll admit, perhaps I am being petty. That was partly the reason I wanted to be on my own to think about things. Perhaps this time you let me have this weekend to do whatever I want on my own, and we'll call it quits.

You tell me on Tuesday that you're not going to come over on Thursday. Then on Wednesday that you're not going to come over next week either. Your reason for not coming over this week is because you want to do house work, which I appreciate... but you know it still hurts. I appreciate that you are tired at the end of your day and you don't want to travel to my place, but even so what it ends up sounding like is that you don't feel that seeing me is worth making that effort for... and it hurts. So you spent four nights at my place; I am so sorry if that was such a huge burden on you. Do you know what I would give to be able to spend four nights at your place? But that wasn't what it was, prioritising house work over seeing me is one thing, but then you tell me the reason you can't see me next week is because you have two parties to go to, so clearly that's OK to prioritise over housework then. Can you see how that might make me feel? So I don't express any regret, I cancel last minute, no discussion of any kind... is any of this sounding familiar to you now? And don't act all innocent like you don't know what I'm talking about, if you really had no idea then you would have called to ask me what was going on by now. And you know what really gets me? I always invite you to everything I'm invited to, and if I don't think it would be appropriate for you to go I would say so straight away. Whereas here I clearly wasn't even a consideration in your planning for the week. You didn't even consider meeting up with me for dinner. But perhaps you are right, perhaps I should start going to social appointments on my own, what's the big deal after all? It seems that not seeing me between weekends is fine with you, well why stop there then, why should two weeks be an issue? If you're already finding seeing me more frequently than a couple times a week a chore now then where is this all going? Where are we going?
But in any case you are right, one does need to spend some time on their own to do things that won't otherwise get done. So I decided the best thing to do this weekend is to spend it by myself, then maybe we can both think about where this is going.

Hi Sweetheart,

I don't want to sound like I don't support your studies, because I do, but I sense there is more to it than this. You've cancelled at short notice with no hint of regret for not coming; no offer to spend just one evening rather than the weekend; no discussion of any kind. You well know that we won't be seeing each other for two weeks as a result. Perhaps you were expecting me to come to edgware instead? Or you just don't want to be inconvenienced. I think something is bothering you, but you never talk to me about it. I don't know what's going on. I can't read minds.

Anyway, have a good weekend.

Stan

You're right, I don't want to be inconvenienced.

Love you Chris. Forever and ever. x

I've just come back from spending two days in Paris with my mother.

It was a break within a break, a departure from my usual non routine, probably well needed. My mum was good company, although it was like a pensioner's outing, but so what? Perhaps this is what comes of being the ugly one, left on the shelf; or perhaps the one least willing to compromise.

I can't get used to my hair, I hate the way Chinese hairdressers always cut the layers too short and thin on me, even though this time I expressly told him I only wanted a trim, and long layers. I suppose it doesn't really matter anyway, I don't have Chris anymore.

After crying my eyes out the first day or so post break up I haven't really cried again since, nor felt much like crying. Chris sent me an e-mail the evening after, I guess that made me feel much better, knowing that he's still amicable enough to reach out to me. Once the emotions calm down the reality of the fact that it really wasn't going to work out irrefutably surface.
He's having his karaoke party with his flat mate at his flat tonight, even as I type. I wonder how it's going. I haven't replied to his last e-mail, I figured I'd save it for when I have something important to say. I wonder how long it'll take before he stops thinking about me at all; not that he was that attentive to me in the end. I suspect in the future if I send him any e-mails he'll always reply in good friendship, unlike Bill. I wonder if he's stopped thinking about me in that way already, or whether he'd fallen out of lust with me a time ago. I'm surprised by how quickly the pain is passing, I had been so heart broken to begin with. If it's like this for me, what is it like for him? How long will it take before I don't think about him much at all? I can hardly believe it. My adorable blond Scot. Not so much mine after all. I wish life were not so complicated.

I can't believe its been almost a year since my last blog!

Updates:

-I gave up on California, and the USA, I'm going to stay in London for the foreseeable future, and Hong Kong is always a possibility...
-I contacted American ex at the beginning of the year when I was in California, he was still his same boring self, still up to nothing, still not sure what to do with his life. I haven't heard from him since, apart from him joining Facebook unexpectedly in the middle of the year. I stalked his page a little for a short while, but he has absolutely nothing going on on it, and has a total of 4 friends, even though its been months now. 3 now, because I deleted him.
-I have worked in three different hospitals this year so far, two of them in London, two of which I was sacked from, in London. Working in London is a bitch.

And then:
I went out with a Scottish guy for 8 months and just broke up with him yesterday. It was heart breaking, but well... he's just not long term material, and I have to see if there's anybody else out there who's more suitable. Although I was still majorly hurt when he let me go without so much as a whimper. I cried all night, giving myself panda eyes in the morning. I worried that mum would notice, but fortunately she didn't, I'm beginning to use my specs as a crutch to hide behind. I didn't want to her know I'm going through emotional heart break stuff, Chinese people just don't do that. She doesn't even know about Chris, basically cos I was never really sure about his long term suitability. But I had a wonderful time with him, he was young, lively, blonde, a go getter and achiever, everything American ex was not. And he adored me, at least initially, perhaps not so much in the end, hence the ending of the relationship. He didn't call me so much anymore, and he was beginning to show irritation and impatience at times which was unlike him. But when we had our break up chat he was back to his lovely smiley exuberant self, all signs of the moody tired Chris gone. It was weird hearing him vocalise his unwillingness for marriage commitment, I guess up until then I'd only heard him say lovely things about me. He insisted on hugging me, and I cried, and he cried a little too. I almost regretted my decision to end it, a part of me was upset that he did not try to talk me out of it. But then I remembered, I really did want to see if there was anbody else out there for me, someone... Chinese.

Apart from my heart break, which has been eased by periodic bouts of uncontrolled sobbing, and the promise or at least the tentative verbalised possibility that we would remain friends, and in contact... what's going on with Zannah? The last few photos of her on her blog she looks like a coked out hag!

E-mail to the Ex

You always tell me to tell you when you do something to upset me. And yet I didn't feel I could because I knew it would just spark off an argument. You want people to tell you, and yet you can not take criticism. You don't take criticism on board, and you think you are right and everybody else is wrong. You get pissed off when people forget to do things for you, and yet you often forget to do things for other people, like getting those mushrooms for Chris, writing e-mails to me. You always tried to make a fool out of me, and make me lose confidence in myself by testing my pharmaceutical knowledge, and yet you can not even remember what your own grandmother was in hospital for last Christmas. That was the main problem I had with you, that you always tried to make me feel bad by making me feel stupid. I felt I had to prove myself to you all the time, when you were the one constantly complaining about your own life. You couldn't teach me salsa, everytime I did a move wrong, which felt like every move, you'd tell me off in that 'god you're so dumb' tone of voice and then walk off in disgust, that I had a complex about dancing salsa with you. Even when I did yoga, you had to criticise. You complained about everything, nothing was good enough, not your studies, not your friends, not your family. You complained about not having any friends, which was totally insulting to me and would be to the friends that you actually did have, if they knew what you thought. And your family call and think about you all the time, and yet you were perpetually criticising the way they were, what they did, even the presents they sent you for Xmas. Often when I asked you questions you would take ages before coming up with an answer, and yet when I stumble answering your question about the difference between antidepressants and opiates the face you pulled was so awful that I will never forget it. And yet you tell me that you didn't think you were being mean to me, which is complete and total bullshit, to use a phrase you're so fond of. If you can't tell when you're being an asshole and when you're not then you're seriously screwed up.
I tried to be dignified and stay silent, but everytime I question myself at work, everytime there's something drug related that I can't answer, I'm reminded of that look in your face, that you're so stupid look, and I feel my confidence waver. It makes me so furious, and it's driving me mad, and I think the only way to make it go away is writing this e-mail. Because I am not stupid, and I just think you were very unhappy. I'm glad we're not together anymore.

My December Social Calender

It's funny, a year ago my social life and work life was DOA, and my love life was kind of there but on its last legs. But now since the discovery of all these social networks via the wonderous internet, it's certainly transformed, if not perfect. More a work in progress (do I really want to mess that up by going off to the states next year? Hmm). There's little to be done about my love life, but I have recently found my social calender filling up really nicely without too much hair tearing. I seem to be broaching a point of being, (gasp, could it be??) well, happy.
Last night I was invited out by a couple of people I'd met at a BCS British Chinese Society social to another BCS social, and found my pleasantly entertained by the company and venue, Ruby Lo @ Sequoia where the music was good, the cocktails were good, and I'm fairly certain most of the patrons were authentic Londoners. Through that I found out I could be a volunteer at the BCS Xmas Ball in 2 weeks time, therefore not feel bad about going on my own, and possibly get in for a reduced rate. The only thing is that very same weekend, just the night before Backabush - my favourite hiking group are also doing an Xmas party at Sway which I really fancy going to. It should be OK, I just won't drink.
Next Friday my work place are doing an Xmas dinner at Dragons, in Bedford, again. Ah, the magic of home county Chinese buffet. I'm getting to kind of like these guys, and I actually feel kind of sad that I'm deciding to leave in January. I'm actually putting off setting a final date with them, but it has to be done. And then on the Sunday there's going to be a Cantonese meetup, my first, if I make it. I like the idea of being able to practice my cantonese with new people.

And then on the weekend before actual Xmas, a couple of friends from Hong Kong are coming over to stay with me at my mum's abode.

It's going to be a good month.